1.
A Little Bit Married focuses on the character of
Bitsy Lerner and how she tries to restore her
picture-perfect life. What does Bitsy learn from her
trials and experiences in the novel that other women
today can relate to?
The lessons aren’t new ones, most of them have been
preserved in cliché’s that pepper the growing up years
and often appear on Hallmark cards. Things like needing
to find ‘you’ before you become a ‘we’ or learning to
listen to the voice inside. When I first decided to
explore the kind of woman who ‘woke up and found herself
in the middle of her life’ I knew it would be a
disturbing expedition. I wanted to know what would keep
someone in a marriage and a lifestyle that was
unsatisfying even though it held no major, outward
problems; no abuse and no disasters, just a kind of low
level unhappiness and perhaps and indefinable sense of
despair. What I soon realized was, that while
fascinating to me, this exploration wouldn’t necessarily
make for compelling fiction and something big had to
happen to engage the reader. What I didn’t expect was
for this revelation to have a kind of parallel reality;
most likely a real life Bitsy wouldn’t make a drastic
change, either, unless forced to. There is just too
much, or the perception of too much, to lose. This I
determined primarily through my very un-scientific
research of talking to women I know.
There is a saying in social work; people only change
when it’s too painful not to. But in real life something
big just doesn’t conveniently occur. So what’s a woman
to do? I guess the shared learning experience from A
Little Bit Married would be that if you’re caught in
that kind of life trance, (and you’re not lucky (?)
enough to have a writer craft you a little catastrophe!)
try to tune in to the voice that will help you figure
out where you need to be. That voice is there, I
promise. It’s the one that tells you when you’re in the
zone; in that slightly Zen state of contentment. There
is something that gets you there; be it nurturing or
baking or balancing the books. Try to design your life
so there’s more of that. I often speak to
reading groups about the multiple years I actually
avoided writing. In retrospect, there were so many neon
signs, there were practically men in jumpsuits with
orange wands (like on the tarmac) trying to wave me to
the writer’s path, and still I didn’t listen. When I
finally did, and when Bitsy did, the world became a
magical and transformed place.
2. You used to be a licensed clinical social worker.
With your experience in that world, what were you able
to bring to your writing, particularly with this novel?
I’d like to think I always use my clinical background to
inform my characters and their moves. In my daily life
I use many of the tenets of behavioral and cognitive
therapy to guide me and I remain perpetually fascinated
by the idea of ‘reframing’ and the ability that language
has to influence a person’s sense of self. We’ve all
heard the warning about what happens when you
continually tell a child they’re stupid--how it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy. Deeper still are the
messages we tell ourselves; I can’t, I’m not, I’ll
never. These have a cumulative effect on how we do or
don’t perceive and achieve. Recently I spoke with a
friend about their ADHD child; they were at their wits
end and wondering how they managed to have one child who
was so ‘easy’ and another who was causing such emotional
havoc on the family. I suggested that they reframe the
child as a blessing; a chance to challenge themselves to
grow in ways they never would have with two ‘easy’
children and to identify these new ‘gifts.’ After a
little discussion came the realization that both parents
were more patient, compassionate, and had actually grown
closer to each other by raising this child. For the
first time they could see themselves as lucky to have
had the ‘difficult’ child and they could now begin to
lift the negative moniker of ‘problem’ from the child,
and you can imagine the positive ripple effect this
had. I’ve oversimplified the example but it’s this kind
of thinking that I hope comes through when my characters
question themselves and evolve.
3. You have a tremendous talent in portraying the
everyday and sometimes tumultuous lives people go
through in suburbia. Why does this subject resonate so
much with you? What sort of research do you do?
Well, first of all, thank you. I think the easy answer
is, as Bitsy says, “I have always been the ultimate
suburban girl, full-fledged, card carrying…” I grew up
and raised my family in the suburbs of New York City and
I’d like to think I have a feel for the humor and angst
and nuances, linguistic and otherwise, of this region.
Again, everything always seems to come back to the
tenet, ‘write what you know.’ Also, as a writer and
social worker, my natural tendency is to record and
register and perhaps parse through the surface tidbits
of life that others don’t. My antennae are always out,
so much so that my friends have been known to stop
themselves mid stream and say, “you better not write
about this.” Conversely, anything peculiar that happens
prompts them to say, “You need to write about this!”
The somewhat more pathological answer is that the
suburbs have been both the bane and the life force of my
emotional journey; a subject I am continually coming
back to, perhaps until I get it right. Others see a
bland world, the manicured lawns and lives that are the
butt of jokes, but I’ve lived it. I’ve experienced the
myopia of mothers who obsess for an entire three hour
PTO meeting about the songs in their fourth grade
child’s holiday show (Is Jingle Bells non-sectarian?)
and fathers who believe their sons will be the next
Michael Jordan despite the fact that little Elliot has
mastered the Pythagorean Theory sooner, and more
effortlessly, than the lay-up. I’ve seen parents hold
their children back from entering kindergarten until
they were a full year and a half older than the other
children to ‘give them an edge’ and I’ve seen parents
throw parties and provide alcohol for 14 year olds so
their child will be popular. On the flip side, are the
parents trying so hard to be perfect that they have
front door decorations for every holiday including a
life-size plastic blow-up of Christopher Columbus on the
lawn. (Truly, these are the ones you have to watch out
for—one day it’s chocolate kisses in the lunch box and
the next thing you know they’re on top of the elementary
school with an Uzi shouting ‘Marissa needs two milks at
lunch.”) They still have decorations at their house;
yellow and black police tape on the perimeter.
These little dramas may not seem as compelling as the
threat of nuclear war or a rescue on Mt. Hood but just
spend an evening with a parent whose kid didn’t make the
travel baseball team and I’ll show you angst, obsession,
and the demons of the psyche. I am naturally drawn to
the mudslides and avalanches and land mines of the mind
and suburbia is a rich and fertile dig site. Mostly,
there is the dance of adults re-playing their childhoods
and adolescence, a tender and fascinating, sometimes
torturously pathetic ballet. Having been there, it’s
easy to criticize and satirize but I am always mindful
of my own missteps and aware of the times I, too,
crossed over to the dark side. Of course, I’ve also
seen wonderfully grounded and reasonable parenting but
who wants to read about that?
4. What made you depict the children in the novel
the way they are? Are you trying to say something about
the way kids are brought up today and the lack of
control parents have more and more?
As I said, it’s easy to get caught up in behaviors and
thinking you don’t truly embrace. You love your child
and you want him to be as happy, lucky, talented,
gifted, and well-liked as the next kid. Well, really
you want him to be just a little bit more, but
you’re too polite to say this or maybe even think it.
So before you know it, despite your best impression of
yourself as a balanced and moral adult, you are
screaming at your 5 year olds T-Ball game that the other
father blocked your child from fielding the ball. I did
this. And I really regret it. One of my pet peeves is
the over-organized leisure activities that have become
de rigueur across the country. I think it started with
the seemingly harmless ‘mommy and me’ class but it’s
morphed into a monster of a problem. First it was
bumper bowling, then Kindermusic, then yoga for
infants. Soon it will be Spanish Immersion in the
Womb. Wait, I think we have that.
But as crazy as I think these activities are, the real
harm is in the way that parents have become so
child-centered (and so busy) that they’ve lost their
authority and credibility. So afraid to harm their
child’s self esteem or not be the ‘best dad in the whole
world’ that they rescind their power as parents and the
children are undisciplined, untamed, and ultimately
unhappy. A father who screams at a coach is a sorry
sight. But a child who screams at a parent with no
consequence is a tragedy. And I think, if a bit
dramatically, a national problem. And while I don’t
think I specifically portrayed this in A Little Bit
Married, I do think my annoyance seeps into the
‘asides.”
5. Even though your characters face difficult
circumstances sometimes, you ultimately see
the funny side of whatever the crisis is. Why do you do
that?
I remember when I was nineteen and I briefly dated an
older man who asked me why I seemed to be so happy all the time. I answered
quickly. “Well,” I said, “I’m unhappy when I’m unhappy."
I know this seems trite and even I wasn’t all that
impressed with my answer at the time, but the older I
get the more I see the simple truth; it’s all about
attitude. I’ve had numerous setbacks in my life, some
physical, some financial, some spiritual; the MAIN thing
that got me through and continues to serve, is my sense
of humor. I could never discount the other sources of
strength, especially love and support from family and
friends, but ultimately, in every crisis, it comes down
to just you and you, and how you brave the demon, be it
a creditor, a cancer cell, or a humiliation.
I am an exceptionally positive person and it’s because I
choose to be. I make that choice every chance I get, in
every situation, and it’s not because I’m so happy all
the time, it’s because if I didn’t do it I’d be
miserable. I hope this makes sense. Lately, there has
been a lot of talk about the theory of the laws of
attraction. Simply put, how you think about your life
will determine what your life will be; there is even
mention of thoughts being akin to a magnetic force. I’m
the last person to engage in a discussion of physics but
it’s hard not to validate the idea that thoughts are
energy, if only in the way that they influence the
thinker. I’ve already mentioned that I think language
is an enormously powerful device, I have to believe that
thought is tied up in that and I’ve integrated that idea
on some level for awhile, which is why I choose to think
positively. The bottom line in terms of my books is
that you can pretty much count on me for happy endings.
That doesn’t mean unrealistic endings or that no one
will ever die, just that, if given the choice, I’m still
hoping for the fairy tale; still hoping that we can
survive great setbacks, and still have a chance at
happily ever after.
6. What’s next for you? Have you
written another book?
I’m very excited about my next
book, which is almost complete. Like my previous
novels,
the new story
is set in suburbia.
The book
follows
a family with
teenage and young adult children whose lives are turned
completely upside down when both parents change careers,
a grandparent seems to be losing it, and the mom at the
center of the story is more concerned with "wine time"
than family time. There is a slapstick element to the
story that is reminiscent of moments in Lucky Me, as the
family is typical but also blindsided by an onslaught of
atypical events. Before the story ends, they will
navigate SAT’s, nursing homes, college applications,
adulterous liaisons, special education, phone sex, and
the Food Channel. Yes, the Food Channel.
|
